A man told me the other day a story of how he yelled at a guy and almost got in a fight because the stranger threw a cigarette butt out of his car onto the earth.
Firstly, I think it is weird that someone would want to beat someone up for littering, but I guess it happens. Do you want to beat people up for speeding and cheating on their taxes too?
Secondly, I am reminded of why when I litter, as I am wont to do, I look around and try to engage people in eye contact while I do it. I've noticed that you pussies who bark the loudest rarely return the gaze of a wild animal throwing Dr. Pepper cans and loose papers/receipts out of a moving or stationary vehicle.
Further, I look at it like this: Yes. It is against the law. If I get caught by a policeman I will quietly and quickly take my lumps and my ticket. Otherwise, like any other law, if a citizen wants to step in, they have to learn that a) they have no authority (leave your moral authority bullshit in your Good News Bible study group) and b) they should be prepared, if they are going to escalate matters, for whatever may happen when fucking with someone who obviously doesn't give a shit about social mores and environmental sensitivities.
Lastly, I am a little man. Like Wolfe's protagonist in Bonfire of the Vanities, I fancy I am the master of my universe and am delusional and of small intellect. These faults render me disabled to the point where I am always in a hurry to get somewhere for some obligation or purpose. I inappropriately value my time and resources (in my world, they are scarce) and I try to give to myself and my immediate family the most of what I have and what I am. In doing all these things, I sacrifice your "greater good" and utilitarianism by sometimes littering, most of the time texting/emailing/talking while driving, and all the time speeding.
Because I am a little man, it is the burden of you men of ideals and ability (at least, to hear you tell it) that you should pity, not hate, us litterers.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tea Party in Absurd Sharp.
I spent a listless afternoon in Downtown Dallas the other weekend. After a few hours of roaming the streets I happened upon a charmingly dilapidated Greyhound station and seeked out the cleanest, dirty bench which happened to sit next to a wall of metal lockers, not much unlike those nostalgic fortifications one thinks of when recalling Grand Central Station. As I sat, quiet and lost in myself, a man approached me and whispered in my ear,
"Why do you hate the Tea Party?"
"Why, I don't like them for the same reason I don't like roaches and rats and spiders. The Tea Party is full of dirty, poor and not very intelligent people and, while I am singularly bigger than any one of them, in large numbers (and with a modicum of power) they scare the shit out of me because left alone in their environment I would be eaten alive."
To which a black man interjected, as he ran across the room to entreat with scorn, "And that's very liberal of you, isn't it?"
"But", I replied, "I meant that in the metaphorical sense. You see, I have nothing against grimy people from the gutter, as I can and have had to wear that hat, but I find only the ignorant masses banding together in numbers scary."
A hooker took a long draw from a bent up Black & Mild, blew the sour smoke out of two crusty nostrils and said, incredulously, "I cannot believe you are serious."
"Of course, harlot. I mean, the question is why I, specifically, hate the Tea Party. While I concede it to be an emotional answer, it remains one that is personal and unique to me and what drives me to "hate" them."
The black men, stymied by my answer pulled up on his gait, reared back his head and, in an effort to save face, brayed, "So you just hate poor people, no matter the political background? I can respect that."
"I don't hate poor people, I hate ignorant people. Unfortunately for them, however, being poor and middle class usually begets ignorance and mediocrity, which I absolutely despise. So yes, I have contempt for the general poor. Although note," and at this, I turned my attentions to the man who first approached me and spoke ever so lightly into my ear, "Exempted are those self-aware and deliberate fools who live a "poor" life due to a personal philosophy, like the rejection of materialism or the rejection of wealth and wealth generating activities, borne after a thorough and healthy inventory of what they value- to be poor is the only condigned, and desired, result."
The black man thought about this for a second. He tilted his curly, gray mane and said with a big grin, "I'm just messin with you Jack! But now that you mention it," and at this he tried to hide his earnest, "so since so many minorities are poor or middle class, you calling them ignorant and mediocre?"
"I think you are kidding, but to be frank, the majority of non-Asian, non-athlete minorities are ignorant and mediocre. That is why they are disproportionally represented in categories like Household income, jobs, employment, schooling, higher Ed, crime, etc., and, as I recall, that is why we have things like affirmative action."
He winced and stood staring at me. Drool crept to the corner of his mouth. Suddenly, his old, ashy ears pricked up at the mention of "John Wiley Price" and he trotted off in that general direction.
I watched him go in admiration. "That honest son of a bitch." I laughed.
"Hey asshole."
The lady, thin from a deficiency of vitamins or food or penis, looked me straight in the eye and her yellow orbs, framed by the smeared oils usually found on a baseball diamond, held my gaze and with it, my attention. She spoke with the weight of self-assumed shame, "I am sorry you hate me without knowing me. I hate no one unless they have specifically wronged me. You are very tolerant. I assume you lean left on a lot of issues. I find it hypocritical the very left wing who prides themselves on being tolerant and accepting of others often are in practice the least tolerant people."
"There are exceptions to every rule, my sexy friend. I once knew a guy who had a pet spider that he kept in a cage and I've even heard of people that like snakes crawling all over them!
But, please don't paint me as tolerant or liberal; I'm neither. Rather, I'm supercilious and ugly. I resent the averageness that I possess and, in addition to my resistance and fear of being Great, I really, really hate the beautiful idiots who are the Tea Party because it is they who hold a mirror to my person and mock me.
But, what do I know? Nobody ever said I was a great thinker of my day and my best friend has been sitting on the bench on the other side of this station and he won't even look over in our direction, much less talk to me."
The man who tickled my ear left.
"Why do you hate the Tea Party?"
"Why, I don't like them for the same reason I don't like roaches and rats and spiders. The Tea Party is full of dirty, poor and not very intelligent people and, while I am singularly bigger than any one of them, in large numbers (and with a modicum of power) they scare the shit out of me because left alone in their environment I would be eaten alive."
To which a black man interjected, as he ran across the room to entreat with scorn, "And that's very liberal of you, isn't it?"
"But", I replied, "I meant that in the metaphorical sense. You see, I have nothing against grimy people from the gutter, as I can and have had to wear that hat, but I find only the ignorant masses banding together in numbers scary."
A hooker took a long draw from a bent up Black & Mild, blew the sour smoke out of two crusty nostrils and said, incredulously, "I cannot believe you are serious."
"Of course, harlot. I mean, the question is why I, specifically, hate the Tea Party. While I concede it to be an emotional answer, it remains one that is personal and unique to me and what drives me to "hate" them."
The black men, stymied by my answer pulled up on his gait, reared back his head and, in an effort to save face, brayed, "So you just hate poor people, no matter the political background? I can respect that."
"I don't hate poor people, I hate ignorant people. Unfortunately for them, however, being poor and middle class usually begets ignorance and mediocrity, which I absolutely despise. So yes, I have contempt for the general poor. Although note," and at this, I turned my attentions to the man who first approached me and spoke ever so lightly into my ear, "Exempted are those self-aware and deliberate fools who live a "poor" life due to a personal philosophy, like the rejection of materialism or the rejection of wealth and wealth generating activities, borne after a thorough and healthy inventory of what they value- to be poor is the only condigned, and desired, result."
The black man thought about this for a second. He tilted his curly, gray mane and said with a big grin, "I'm just messin with you Jack! But now that you mention it," and at this he tried to hide his earnest, "so since so many minorities are poor or middle class, you calling them ignorant and mediocre?"
"I think you are kidding, but to be frank, the majority of non-Asian, non-athlete minorities are ignorant and mediocre. That is why they are disproportionally represented in categories like Household income, jobs, employment, schooling, higher Ed, crime, etc., and, as I recall, that is why we have things like affirmative action."
He winced and stood staring at me. Drool crept to the corner of his mouth. Suddenly, his old, ashy ears pricked up at the mention of "John Wiley Price" and he trotted off in that general direction.
I watched him go in admiration. "That honest son of a bitch." I laughed.
"Hey asshole."
The lady, thin from a deficiency of vitamins or food or penis, looked me straight in the eye and her yellow orbs, framed by the smeared oils usually found on a baseball diamond, held my gaze and with it, my attention. She spoke with the weight of self-assumed shame, "I am sorry you hate me without knowing me. I hate no one unless they have specifically wronged me. You are very tolerant. I assume you lean left on a lot of issues. I find it hypocritical the very left wing who prides themselves on being tolerant and accepting of others often are in practice the least tolerant people."
"There are exceptions to every rule, my sexy friend. I once knew a guy who had a pet spider that he kept in a cage and I've even heard of people that like snakes crawling all over them!
But, please don't paint me as tolerant or liberal; I'm neither. Rather, I'm supercilious and ugly. I resent the averageness that I possess and, in addition to my resistance and fear of being Great, I really, really hate the beautiful idiots who are the Tea Party because it is they who hold a mirror to my person and mock me.
But, what do I know? Nobody ever said I was a great thinker of my day and my best friend has been sitting on the bench on the other side of this station and he won't even look over in our direction, much less talk to me."
The man who tickled my ear left.
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