The Apology of a Litterer

A man told me the other day a story of how he yelled at a guy and almost got in a fight because the stranger threw a cigarette butt out of his car onto the earth.

Firstly, I think it is weird that someone would want to beat someone up for littering, but I guess it happens. Do you want to beat people up for speeding and cheating on their taxes too?

Secondly, I am reminded of why when I litter, as I am wont to do, I look around and try to engage people in eye contact while I do it. I've noticed that you pussies who bark the loudest rarely return the gaze of a wild animal throwing Dr. Pepper cans and loose papers/receipts out of a moving or stationary vehicle.

Further, I look at it like this: Yes. It is against the law. If I get caught by a policeman I will quietly and quickly take my lumps and my ticket. Otherwise, like any other law, if a citizen wants to step in, they have to learn that a) they have no authority (leave your moral authority bullshit in your Good News Bible study group) and b) they should be prepared, if they are going to escalate matters, for whatever may happen when fucking with someone who obviously doesn't give a shit about social mores and environmental sensitivities.

Lastly, I am a little man. Like Wolfe's protagonist in Bonfire of the Vanities, I fancy I am the master of my universe and am delusional and of small intellect. These faults render me disabled to the point where I am always in a hurry to get somewhere for some obligation or purpose. I inappropriately value my time and resources (in my world, they are scarce) and I try to give to myself and my immediate family the most of what I have and what I am. In doing all these things, I sacrifice your "greater good" and utilitarianism by sometimes littering, most of the time texting/emailing/talking while driving, and all the time speeding.

Because I am a little man, it is the burden of you men of ideals and ability (at least, to hear you tell it) that you should pity, not hate, us litterers.